Conan The Barbarian

If you don't know who Conan the Barbarian is, then I'm guessing the chance of you going to see this movie in the theaters is virtually nil. Many will remember the film from 1982 staring the Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

That's right THE Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because lets face it, the guy is bigger than life. Maybe not quite Elvis bigger than life, but somewhere near on the scale. Conan the Barbarian was his first big hit. Which leads to Terminator and then its off to the races. The dude became Governor of California, a state that would rank in the top ten of global economies if it were its own nation. So if your going to This "reboot" of Conan the Barbarian because of fondness for the Halcyon days of the Arnold Schwarzenegger's portrayal of the Cimmerian then your going to be sadly disappointed, because no film can possibly live up to those expectations.


If however, you just hope for a good Conan story you are not going to be disappointed.

Just as the first film was Rated R for umm the violence, nudity and James Earl Jones as Thulsa "I turn into a snake" Doom, This Conan is quite violent. Just as Conan is supposed to be. Oh and there is gratuitousness background nudity in a couple scenes, Which is Awesome, but its never the focus of the scene. The characters pay no heed as well, for that it the way of things in Robert E. Howard's Hyborian Age.

 The Movie begins in the very Traditional Fashion with a narrator starting thusly,
"Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the Sons of Aryas." Blah blah blah Evil Guys With Evil Mcguffin, blah blah blah, Uprising, blah, blah, Prophecy, and that's the mix. Except its Morgan Freeman doing the voice over, which is always cool.

The following is a clip from the opening act of the film. please do not watch if you are in any way squeamish about violence. Seriously. Not Kidding. Young Conan goes all sorts of reaver badass on a group of Picts . 

The rest of the movie can be summed up as follows: It's Conan Smashing skulls of those who defy him. Oh and he wins. Sure he might get captured, or have to face down a horde of Sand Zombies and what not, but lets face it, He is Conan. What ever Obstacle Conan comes up against, violence is his goto answer. Conan's skill set does not include much in the way of diplomacy.

Fight choreography is good, but editing was a little erratic at times. There are some Dethklok worthy Brutal Moments.

Ron Perlman was most excellent as Conan's' father. Though I would have preferred if the forging of the sword scene included instructing Conan about Crom. One of Conan's salient points is his devotion, such as it is, to his cultures god.

The Evil Mcguffin which this time takes the form of a bad ass bone mask is rather Meh. Looks cool, commands phenomenal necromantic power, but still rather Meh.

Acting was pretty much average, nothing stand out at any rate. Though the script really did not allow for much acting regardless. By Crom!, its Conan do you really expect there to be much?

Costumes were well done. Sets were pretty decent.

All in all, id say wait for the DVD if this movie at all interests you. Otherwise take a pass.

If on the other hand you are a fan of Conan the character this movie is pretty damn good. I  would have rather the producers had adapted one of the original stories or stayed a bit more faithful to the Hyborian background, (which is rather vast, consisting of 20+ Stories and novels written by Howard himself,  50+ works by various authors within the Hyborian Setting, and 275 issues of The Savage Sword of Conan in addition to another 400+ other comics by Marvel and Dark Horse. The Fluff in that 'verse is thick and remarkably consistent.)  This story fits rights in. Overall Execution on a nerd scale would be a B- sliding quickly to a C+. Entertaining if all one wants to see is Conan kicking ass from one set piece to another.



 -Mix